It's
by Shawn Jones
Summary: Robotnik finally has a weapon that will destroy Sonic the Hedgehog and his companions. Sonic is the only one that has the power enough to stop him...with the worlds first great taste of fish...
1. The Average Goings On

It's…

by Shawn Jones

Who wants to get royally fucked? Not me: Sonic the Hedgehog and all related characters are copyrighted to Service and Games (Sega of America/Japan), DIC entertainment and Archie Comics. These characters are not to be copied or reproduced in any way. Doing so will put you in violation of Title 17 of the US Code regarding Copyright restrictions.

The Foreword

Here it goes, one last time. As usual the following story, appropriately titled It's…, is rated M for the crude and vulgar shit that comes to surface every now and again. Fuck is said 200,000 times in one paragraph…wait, no, no it isn't. Sorry, I must have been thinking of something else entirely. Really the whole basis of writing this story came from one joke, see if you can find it! There was also a particular plot device that also spurred it along, so there. I would like to think this was my most complete work, but I'm probably just taking the piss. Well there you have it, and now we cue the first chapter!

Enjoy,

Shawn Jones

The Average Goings On

All of the Freedom Fighters were gathering in the meeting room, preparing for the weekly discussion that they held weekly, as it were. Everyone was busy trying to memorize the speeches they all had to present, with the exception of Sonic, who was nowhere to be seen. Sally sat down at the head of the table, and the others sat down in their regularly assigned seats. Sally looked around the table at the nervous subjects, deciding who she was going to pick first.

"Dr. Quack, give us your summary, please," Sally said motioning to the doctor.

"Gersplekein," Quack mumbled. "There is nothing to report, Princess. No one is in the hospital right now, and there haven't been any injuries for weeks."

"What about the morgue?" Sally inquired.

"We are all still alive it would seem," Quack replied.

"Fair enough, thank you Dr. Quack." Quack sat back down in his seat, and began mumbling to himself in German. "Antoine, your summary on the defenses, please." Antoine stood up, straightening out his shirt. He took a deep breath, and then looked down at his notes.

"Zey are good," was his response, and he sat back down in his chair.

"Antoine!" Sally yelled. Antoine jumped out of his seat, and back to attention. "That's all you wrote down?"

"Yes, my princess, I would not have said or else, huh huh." Antoine sat back down in his seat. Sally shook her head in disgust, and once again surveyed the room.

"I hope the rest of you have a more detailed report to give me," she said staring them down. "Just where in the hell is Sonic anyway?" Immediately after Sally asked, a blue streak came thundering into the meeting room. Sonic stopped at the foot of the table and looked at each of them.

"It's…" Sonic began in a raspy voice, and then he was gone as quickly as he appeared. The blue streak left the same way it came.

"It's what? Is it, like, time for something?" Tails questioned. Sally put her head in her hands and sat quietly for the next few moments. She recomposed herself, and then looked over at Rotor.

"Do you have anything to report?" Sally asked.

"I haven't been looking up porn!" Rotor shouted.

"Nobody accused you," Sally replied.

"Oh, right. I'm working on these couple, three things. One is a virus I'm building for Robotnik's control server. The problem with it is the virus has to be uploaded manually, not remotely." Sally looked up at him in shock.

"You mean, you actually have something useful to tell me?"

"Yeah, do you want me to start making shit up?" Sally shook her head and motioned for him to continue. "Well the next thing is a little device I've been working on for some time now. It's a bug, but there are two unique things about it. The first one is it cannot be detected with any equipment that Robotnik would have available. The second is that it's programmed to fly directly to Robotnik's control center. I don't know if it works, as I haven't tested it for obvious reasons, but I did smaller scale tests and it worked. In fact Sally, you and Sonic…"

"That's quite enough, thank you," Sally broke in, blushing. "That's certainly something to look into further, the virus anyway. You can go ahead and send out the bug, who knows what could happen?"

"Well, it'll either work or it won't," Rotor stated philosophically. Sally rolled her eyes at the remark, and then rested her head on the table. Everyone looked at each other with puzzlement.

"Maybe she's just resting her eyes," Tails suggested.

"What does that mean 'resting her eyes'?" Rotor asked.

"Enough," Sally said, lifting her head off the table. "Does anyone here have something important to say?" She examined the room one final time. "Bunnie?" Bunnie responded by shaking her head. "Why do we hold these weekly meetings then?"

"Probably to piss some time away, so we can forget our mundane existence for an hour," Rotor replied, shrugging his shoulders. "It could be why Sonic stopped showing up to them. Well, it's either that or your swearing kitty."

"I don't know any other way to stop him from swearing, do you?" Sally asked.

"He hasn't really stopped swearing, he just puts a shitload of money in the kitty," Rotor acknowledged.

"Well don't swear, or I'll make _you_ add money to the kitty," Sally scolded. "Anyway, I guess if no one has anything important to say, the meeting is adjourned." She then shot a glare at Antoine before he could say anything. Everyone relaxed in their chairs and began talking idly to each other. Sonic came back in while everyone was talking, and pulled up a chair next to Sally.

"Hey Sal, what's happening?"

"Look Sonic, I know we're trying not to argue, but you need to start coming to these meetings. Apparently we only need to hold one a month," she added in dismay.

"Do you know how fuckin busy I am?" Sonic asked. Sally just looked at him and frowned.

"That's 50 bucks in the kitty, Sonic. It's going to start increasing," she observed.

"Toss the salad," Sonic grinned.

"You mean like buttfuck?" Tails questioned.

"Damn it Tails! I told you not to say that again," Sally scolded. "I just got done telling Sonic to stop swearing, and here you go."

"I'm sorry Auntie Sally, I didn't mean any bad stuff."

"Bad stuff? You said 'fuck' Tails, that word isn't acceptable around here," Sally continued to chastise.

"I said I was sorry Auntie Sally, I'm sorry I'm a dumb douchebag."

"You and me both," Sonic replied.

"Sonic," Sally said, giving him a disappointed look. "Now Tails, it's not that you're stupid, I just don't want you talking like that, okay?"

"Yeah Sugar, you aren't a dumb douchebag. Don't ever say things like that 'bout yourself," Bunnie added.

"Okay Auntie Bunnie."

"So what exactly did you mean by 'toss the salad', Sonic?" Sally requested.

"Fifteen bucks little man, put that shit in my hand," Sonic replied with a smile. Sally only shook her head at the remark. "Okay, everybody plug your ears, fuck, shit, ass, cunt, Tails," he rattled off before putting money in the can.

"Why did you say my name?" Tails asked.

"He is being ze slow, huh huh," Antoine laughed.

"Sonic, why is it you never follow up 'it's'?" Sally inquired, ignoring Antoine and Tails.

"I told you once."

"No you haven't."

"I most certainly did, but if you don't know about the significance of 'it's', I'm not allowed to say. Hey Bunnie, what's happening?" Sonic asked.

"I'm doin good, Sugar, how 'bout yourself?"

"That damn kitty is going to be the death of me. I can't imagine how much money I've put in there. I don't know how Sally expects me to buy a pack of smokes or a cheap whore with these limited funds."

"Hey Sonic, you _are_ sitting right next to me," Sally brought up, poking him in the side. "And you don't smoke so that won't be a problem…"

"And Sally doesn't charge, so you're good there," Rotor interrupted. Sally shot him a glare, and he responded with a sheepish grin.

"I just want you to stop swearing so much, Sonic. Now you see just how much you do it. Plus it's a bad influence on Tails, as we've just heard oddly enough."

"I'm getting royally fucked is what's going on here," Sonic spat.

"Well isn't Sally royalty?" Rotor quipped.

"How does one get to be so funny?" Sonic asked.

"Since Knuckles left for Angel Island someone needed to pick up the slack."

"Well he's coming back later this week, so cool off shithead."

"Sonic! Now that's 150 bucks in the kitty…"Sally began.

"Can, it's called the can. I've told you once, you sound like a pussy when you say kitty," Sonic scolded.

"Well Sonic, it may come as a big surprise to you, but I don't have a dick," Sally retorted.

"Damn, I'm gone for a few meetings and everyone gets all witty on me," Sonic said, stuffing more money into the 'can'.


	2. A Little Bonding Time

After the meeting everyone dispersed to their own goings on. Sally told Sonic she wanted to talk with him, and took him out on a walk in the Great Forest. They walked through the forest in silence, with Sonic just looking down at his shoes and kicking rocks. All of a sudden, the silence was broken.

"You know, I've been meaning to ask you something, Sonic," Sally brought up as they walked.

"Good morning," Sonic replied casually.

"What?"

"Good _morning_."

"Would you stop that?"

"_Good_ _morning_."

"You just love to antagonize me don't you?" Sally asked.

"Oh, had enough, eh?"

"Let's just get back to my question."

"Have at you!" Sally gave Sonic a questioning look. "Well, don't keep me in suspense."

"Why is it you eat chili dogs, Sonic? You do know that a hot dog is just ground up parts of various animals, right? You also know that if you have meat in your chili that also results in more death of innocent animals. So what's the deal?"

"Chili dogs…taste good."

"Well sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'll never know because I won't eat the filthy motherfucker. I think chili dogs are just a ploy by Robotnik for us to eat up any remaining resisting animals."

"Now don't be silly, Sally…hahaha, silly Sally, how grand."

"Hoo-hah, you're so amusing."

"Hoo-hah, that's a lot like box or pussy or cunt, is it not?"

"Oh Sonic! Whatever am I going to do with you?"

"Well a little VD goes a long way," Sonic responded.

"VD, you don't mean…?" Sally questioned.

"I most certainly do."

"Goddamn it, you'd better not have any VD's Sonic or I swear I'll fucking rip your head off and shit down your neck!"

"Neck shitting, where does this vulgarity come from? And what do you mean by any VD's?"

"VD's, you know venereal diseases," Sally explained. Sonic just looked at her and smiled. "What? What's so funny about this?"

"VD means Van Dyking, not venereal disease. Don't worry you had the right activity."

"Oh," Sally responded blushing. "Well you never did respond to my claims that Robotnik is trying to destroy all animal life with your chili dogs."

"C'mon, it's not as if cows, pigs, and chickens are useful creatures. Not my fault they taste good, and damn are they good."

"So it doesn't bother you at all? Not even a little bit?"

"Nope, not even the naughty bits," Sonic grinned.

"How sharp, why didn't I think of that?"

"But you have got me thinking; maybe we should change the hot dog recipe."

"Yeah? To some kind of vegetables?"

"No, to fox so we can get rid of Tails."

"I just can't believe you Sonic, really. I think you take the jokes with Tails a little too far."

"It's always something."

"Yeah, it's always _something_."

"Always something!"

"Are you just going to keep repeating yourself, or are you actually going to add something to the conversation?" Sally inquired.

"Things always gotta be complicated."

"You're telling me."

"Yeah I know, that's what happens when I speak."

"Why do I put up with you again?"

"I'm not quite sure, but I'm thinking it has to do with my striking figure," Sonic replied, posing.

"Of course, how could I have been so foolish?" Sally asked rhetorically.

"It's okay, everybody has a moment of weakness."

"Everybody?"

"What do you want from me, a fucking pretzel?"

"Wetzel's Pretzels go great with mustard," Sally said with a smile.

"What a clever response, someone's been hanging around me too much," Sonic deduced.

"I certainly can't disagree with you there. But more to the point; I've been doing some thinking lately, and I think we need some bonding time," Sally suggested.

"Yeah? You know what Sally, I've been doing some thinking lately and I think we need some bonding time," Sonic responded.

"Are you trying to be funny?" Sally asked.

"Are _you_ trying to be funny?"

"Sonic!"

"Sorry, I just couldn't resist. I've got no problems with a little _bonding_," Sonic grinned.

"That's not what I mean, and I'm not just talking about us." Sonic scowled at that. "I'm getting underlying currents of resentment when we all meet together. I think it would be good if a few of us got together and bonded."

"Bonded? Not like bondage, I'm not into that shit."

"No Sonic, it's not like bondage. It means you and I get together with Tails or Antoine or Rotor or Bunnie, and we do an activity to create a better friendship."

"I'm all for you, me, and Bunnie establishing a better _friendship_," Sonic smirked. Sally playfully slapped him on the shoulder.

"You really are something else," she told him. In the distance she could see Tails flying quickly toward them. "I wonder what's got him rushing over here."

"Don't hold your breath, but I'm betting he's gonna tell us."

"Somebody stole the can," Tails said when reached Sonic and Sally.

"The toilet?" Sonic asked.

"He means the kitty, Sonic," Sally replied. "I take it you don't know who did it."

"Nope, it's just all gone, bye bye."

"Spoken like a true prodigy," Sonic scoffed. "Bye bye? Who the fuck talks like that? That's fuckin baby talk. At least now I can curse like a sailor, and reap the benefits, right?" He asked looking at Sally with an innocent face.

"Fine, just try to curve the swearing," Sally finally gave in.

"You got it, Sweetie," Sonic said grinning. "Now Tails, go get me some fuckin chili dogs."

"Sonic!"

"Sorry, let's talk about that bondage you were talking about."

"Bondage, isn't that dirty sex with whips, chains, and boots?" Tails asked.

"Where did you learn about that Tails?" Sally demanded in a stern voice. Sonic broke out laughing. "Did you have something to do with this?"

"I wash my hands of this weirdness, and if the glove don't fit you must acquit. I told you I'm not into that bondage shit. I did tell him to look up muff, though," Sonic admitted.

"Muff is a slang term for vagina, and so are twat, rug, box, pussy, and cunt," Tails recited. Sonic began laughing again.

"Tails! Where are you learning these things?" Sally questioned.

"Rotor helped me look them up on the internet," Tails replied. "I know all sorts of stuff now, Auntie Sally."

"I bet," Sally scowled.

"Turn that frown upside down," Sonic said jokingly. "At least he's getting some bonding time with Rotor." Sally sighed and looked over at Sonic. "Don't worry about it, the little shit has to learn about it sooner or later."

"My ass may be dumb, but I ain't no dumbass," Tails informed the two of them.

"Sure thing Tails," Sonic chuckled. "Now get outta here! We have some important business to discuss, away from the ears of minors." Tails turned back the way he came, and started flying toward Knothole. "What a douchebag," Sonic said watching him go. "Cool, we were talking about bonding before I Ain't No Dumbass, showed up."

"Yes we were…I Ain't No Dumbass…Sonic, you're so bad," Sally giggled. "Anyway, I think you need to develop a better relationship with anyone but Knuckles. That even includes I Ain't No Dumbass. But I'm thinking we should start with Antoine, seeing as how you two aren't the best of friends."

"Shouldn't we start with the easy ones first?" Sonic asked. "Let's help Bunnie pick flowers, or whatever the fuck she does. Or maybe help Rotor out with his new invention. But Tails and Antoine, they're way down here, below the dashboard."

"Okay, you asked for it, tomorrow we'll meet up with Rotor and start working on his newest invention. But for now, let's go back to Knothole and relax, maybe get something to eat."

"Sure thing," Sonic complied, picking Sally up and racing back toward Knothole.

The next day Sonic made his way over to Rotor's workshop, _delighted_ to be there. _This is gonna be fuckin super_, he thought. _I don't know how I ever get talked into shit like this. I must be losing a step in my old age._ When Sonic arrived at the workshop, Sally was already there, discussing something with Rotor. He also spotted Tails flying around, then noticed Bunnie and Antoine talking in the workshop.

"Uh, hey Sal," Sonic said coming up beside Sally.

"Hi Sonic," she responded.

"No, that wasn't the 'hey' I meant. I meant hey like a question. You know, hey what the fuck is going on, that hey."

"And?"

"And, what the fuck is going on?"

"We're going to help Rotor today. We did talk about this if you remember."

"Yeah, but I thought…"

"How cute, him doing his own thinking again," Sally smiled.

"Oh that was really funny. Funny yet sad, kinda like being tit fucked by a clown," Sonic replied with a smirk.

"Oh Sonic! I certainly don't want to hear that, let alone everyone else." Sally reprimanded. "You're always so vulgar and disgusting."

"Well that's what happens when you…"

"That's enough, Sonic. We don't need any more vulgar descriptions of whatever you were about vividly discuss. You wanted to know what was going on, correct?" Sonic shook his head in agreement. "Well, I told Bunnie about the hostile vibes I've been getting. She agreed with me, and thought it would be good if we made a group project out of it."

"This is all going to end badly," Sonic predicted.

"If you keep acting like that it will. Don't worry Sonic, it's a nice day, and everyone is in good spirits. Well, except for you. Remember, we're trying to build stronger friendships here," Sally reminded him.

"Yeah, right," Sonic mumbled. Sally just stared at him, with her hands on her hips. "Yeah, okay, let's get to work I guess."

"That's what I like to hear, Sonic. Don't worry, today is going to be fun. Plus we're going to have a picnic for lunch," Sally said enthusiastically. She noticed the grim look on Sonic's face. "Trust me, you'll be thanking me by the end of the day."

"Somehow I doubt it," Sonic grumbled, walking into the workshop.


	3. A Conundrum of Sorts

Robotnik was pouring over the blueprints he had on his desk. _Everything appears to be in order_, he thought. _The construction is going much faster than I could have anticipated. Only an evil genius would roboticize animals, turning them into evil minions to do his evil bidding. With all the evil workers I have on this project it should be completed in no time at all. I've only been trying to build this thing for the last 20 fuckin years, reap the benefits bitches._

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA," Robotnik laughed. Snively, hearing the commotion from outside, came wandering into the room.

"Is there something you needed, sir?" He asked.

"No, what gave you that idea, shit for brains? I was doing my evil genius laugh, because they will not escape this time."

"Very good, sir," Snively replied.

"Yes it is very good. We should be around 75 done with The Project, right?" Robotnik asked.

"The Project, sir, don't you mean Death Egg?" Snively countered.

"Goddamn it, I was trying to add a little suspense to it. Now you've fucked the reader out of critical thinking."

"Sorry, _The Project_ is right around that estimate. If all goes well, sir, it should be in working order before the end of the month."

"The end of the month, no, no, that's much too slow. I gotta have it by tomorrow."

"You need an interstellar spacecraft completed by tomorrow, that's unfair."

"Then it must be finished by the end of the week. Roboticize more animals, Snively!" Robotnik grunted in dissatisfaction.

"Any other animals in existence are in hiding, sir. Probably because of that announcement you made a few years ago. Something like: 'I'm going to kill all you motherfuckers.' We haven't roboticized anything for some time."

"Can't you paint up a sign saying 'free meals' then roboticize any animal that comes over there? You know, give em a cheese burger than wham, eat this, fuck you."

"We did that, sir. Animals are leery of your hospitality. They generally like to keep their distance, sir."

"Then go build some more swatbots. What the fuck do I pay you for? You have the brain of an inept 10 year old child," Robotnik responded.

"You don't pay me, sir," Snively answered.

"Just as well I shouldn't, now get your moping ass back to work," Robotnik said, pointing to the door. Snively slowly made his way out the door, and Robotnik turned his attention back to the blueprints. _Brilliant!_ He thought, _I have just the thing to speed up production_. "Snively, get your ass back in here. I think I've just solved our little conundrum."

--

Sonic spent the whole morning with Tails sweeping the warehouse. Tails seemed to think Sonic was particularly interested in everything he said, so he talked the entire time. At about this time, Tails was relaying a _very_ intriguing story to Sonic, who couldn't be bothered.

"Yeah sure, that's really interesting, Tails," Sonic said as he continued sweeping. "I thought we were supposed to help Rotor build something, not clean his fucking workshop out." Tails just looked over at him and shrugged his shoulders. "A lot of help you are." Sally walked into the warehouse and smiled at both of them.

"That's what I like to see, my two boys playing nice."

"What the fuck?"

"Sonic, your language."

"Oh yeah, must have slipped my mind," he replied, leaning on his broom. "Anyway, what's the deal with this shit? I'm a lot of things, Sally, but a janitor ain't one of them."

"Don't worry about it, Sonic, we are changing up after lunch. Which is why I came by, it's time to go to lunch, guys."

"Oh goody!" Tails exclaimed, dropping his broom and flying over to Sally. "Let's go Auntie Sally."

"Goody?" Sonic mocked, shaking his head. Sally grabbed his arm and pulled him to the picnic they had setup outside. Bunnie and Rotor were already sitting on the grass, waiting for Antoine to come over with the picnic baskets. Sally sat down, and pulled Sonic down with her.

"Easy on the goods, darling," Sonic said after he hit the ground. "So Rotor, how's your shit coming along?"

"My _shit_ is coming along nicely," Rotor replied. "I sent that bug out, so we should hear something back late tonight."

"Uh huh, zis better work, no?" Antoine asked, sitting down.

"How can you always turn a statement into a question?" Sonic asked. "I'm just about to eat some lunch, no? I guess it really isn't that hard. So where's the Nazi, not joining in the festivities? Is he too busy _fixing_ our showers?"

"Sonic, he's not a Nazi. Quentin can't be here because he has to run the hospital, you never know when something could go wrong," Sally answered. The mere mentioning of Quack's first name brought stifled chuckles from Sonic, Rotor, and Antoine. "Oh grow up already. Now, to shift gears a little bit, I just want to get something out in the open."

"We all know you're a closet lesbian, and it's cool with me," Sonic quipped.

"Oh, the funnyman had something witty to say, did he? No, that's not what I want to talk about. I've noticed a rift between some of us, and I just want everyone to get along. Take for example, Sonic. He pretty much has conflict with everyone here, with the exception of Bunnie and Knuckles. Well, and we've been getting along quite a bit better recently."

"He is ze foul-mouthed chucklehead, huh huh," Antoine put in.

"Oh I'm the chucklehead? You're the fuckin dumbass who wears a shirt but no pants. How fucked up is that? When you open your Boone's Farm do you sniff ze cork?"

"I do not drink ze Boone's Farm, zat is like drinking ze piss," Antoine scoffed, turning his head away in disgust.

"Oh, you don't drink piss? Sorry, that's news to me." Sonic shrugged his shoulders.

"Do you see what I mean? You guys don't have to be best friends, but you have to at least trust each other," Sally said. "Now, we are going to all work together for as long as it takes for all of us to get along."

"Well, Hun, they might kill each other before that happens," Bunnie observed.

"Bunnie and I get along with everybody, rarely any exceptions. Tails does as well for the most part…actually now that I think about it, it's just Sonic."

"Before you point your finger you should know that I'm the man. If I'm the fuckin man, then you're the fuckin man as well. So you can point that fuckin finger up your ass!"

"What's the matter smartass, don't know any Shakespeare?" Sally asked.

"Fetch me my long sword, ho. How's that for Shakespeare?"

"So what's your point, Sonic?

"I don't know, I just thought that fit really swell right there."

"Well you did bring up a valid point, we shouldn't be pointing fingers. Let's just try and get along, okay?"

"I think we can do it, Sugar. We should all collaborate on an inspirational song," Bunnie suggested.

"Uh no, let's not do that," Sonic said.

"No, huh huh," Antoine agreed.

"To be honest, I don't want to hear any of you sing," Rotor responded. "No offense of course."

"At least you got them all to agree on something, Bunnie," Sally said. "Anyway, I just want you guys to think about it. Now let's have some lunch."


	4. The Calm Before the Storm

The Freedom Fighters finished their lunch, and then went back to helping out Rotor. They worked the rest of the day, after which, it was suggested that they all go to the living area and relax. The object was to spend some 'quality time' with each other. At this point Sonic was getting a little tired of this bonding experiment. He voiced his opinion to Sally, who only frowned at him, and told him he was letting everybody down. So, there he was in the living room with the whole gang, but he was letting his mind wander.

"So Sonic, aren't you glad I told you to come?" Sally asked, sitting next to him on the couch. "Sonic?"

"What?" Sonic questioned, his mind snapping back to reality. "Did I miss something?"

"NO," Antoine answered.

"Rotor, have you received anything from that bug yet?" Sally asked, glancing questioningly at Sonic.

"Nothing yet, but it should be transmitting something soon. I can't look up any porn until it does…I mean I can't use the computer until it does," Rotor stammered.

"I have the first verse to the song written," Bunnie announced with joy.

"Uh, what song?" Tails asked.

"Well, sing it for us Bunnie," Sally prompted.

"No, I couldn't do that in front of y'all, I'd be too embarrassed," Bunnie replied. "Plus I'd need an acoustic guitar."

"Sonic has one in his room, don't you?" Sally asked, turning to Sonic.

"What?"

"You have an acoustic guitar. Is your head up your ass right now?"

"Huh?"

"Well are you going to get your guitar or what?" Sally questioned.

"What guitar?" Sonic countered.

"Just go back to your room and get it," Sally demanded.

"But I…"

"Now Sonic!" Sonic got up off the couch and started making his way to his room. On his way there he noticed something stirring in the bushes. As Sonic went forward to investigate Knuckles popped out, scaring the shit out of him.

"G'day mate," Knuckles greeted, emerging from the bushes.

"You greet me with day, when you know perfectly well it's evening," Sonic recovered. "Good evening."

"Goodbye?"

"Hahaha, no. How's it going, you dirty bastard?" Sonic asked, shaking Knuckles hand.

"Just thought I'd lob in, I'm a bit bushed, mate. What are ya doin out here by yourself?"

"Sally told me to fetch my guitar…"

"You're such a bitch, mate. She have you on a leash yet?"

"No, but I'm getting the collar tomorrow, jerk-off."

"Ah, still sharp. You gettin a little wham, bam, ya know what I mean, mate?"

"Hey I'm trying to work here asshole, I don't got time for twenty questions. Finding you will save my ass though."

"How's that?" Knuckles inquired.

"I had to sell that guitar for money I had to put in the kitty. You know, for saying fuck and shit all the time."

"Bummer mate, no rules just right. So about that Van Dykin…"

"Let's just get you over to the others," Sonic said, pushing Knuckles in the direction of the living room.

--

Back in Robotropolis, Robotnik was admiring his latest creation. As usual with his gloating, he was exclaiming what an evil genius he was. Snively stood next to him, watching the monitors as the new creation continued constructing the Death Egg…I mean The Project.

"You see that Snively, that new bot nearly has the whole thing built. By the time I wake up tomorrow The Project will be complete. Then I will be ready to unleash chaos onto the unsuspecting world below. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Yes, sir. You see what happens when _you_ create something? That's why _you're_ supposed to be the engineer."

"You don't have to point out how fucking useless you are, Snively, I know. Without my ingenuity this thing wouldn't be ready until the end of the month, so sad for you," Robotnik said, making a face at 

Snively. "Now I have to go pack a few things." As Robotnik stood up, his pants fell down because he had forgotten to tighten his belt. "Oh shit!"

"Pull up your fucking pants, sir," Snively commanded, looking away in a disgusted fashion. Robotnik got the pants situation in order, and then made his way into his room to begin packing.

"What kind of things do you bring with you when you're outside the planet's atmosphere?" He asked himself aloud.

"Don't forget to bring a belt, sir," Snively shouted from outside the room.

--

"You still play billiards, mate?" Knuckles asked as he walked with Sonic.

"Not professionally, but you know, for recreation," Sonic smirked.

"Damn, you're razor sharp tonight, mate."

"I do try so very hard," Sonic said, as they stopped in the living room. "Well I couldn't find my guitar, but I'll do you one better," he announced as Knuckles entered.

"Knuckles!" Tails exclaimed, giving Knuckles a high-five.

"Nice to see ya blokes too," Knuckles said, sitting down in an arm chair. Sonic regained his seat on the couch. "What's new around here?"

"Sonic hasn't told you?" Sally asked.

"Nope, he was just breakin me crown jewels. He did tell me how broke he is because of his swearin addiction, poor bastard."

"He'll tell anyone who'll listen," Sally teased. "Did he tell you that someone stole the can?"

"The thunder box?"

"Thunder box?" Tails questioned. "Is that made out of cardboard?"

"Uh no, mate, it means toilet. That reminds me, ya still have that bidet Sally?" Knuckles asked with a grin.

"Haha, very funny Knuckles. Oddly enough, Tails hasn't developed any terminal illnesses since you've been gone," Sally prodded.

"ZING!" Tails responded.

"I musta been by meself too long, you blokes are somethin else," Knuckles remarked, pulling his Australian slouch hat off and scratching his head.

"Wait a second guys, I've got something here," Rotor said from behind the computer monitor. "Yeah, it's not a direct feed, I must have missed that, but it saves the audio files in a log. That way I can go back and listen to any part of it."

"Well, what does it say?" Sally asked impatiently.

"Hold on," Rotor said, pushing the headphones onto his ears. "The Project will be ready by tomorrow, complete chaos, Snively is useless, Robotnik has to pack some things… and pull up your fucking pants sir. That's all they talked about."

"Bloody hell, whys he got no pants on?" Knuckles questioned. "Is he takin the piss?"

"Why would Robotnik be taking a piss on the control panel?" Tails asked.

"No, not that kind of piss mate," Knuckles replied. "If someone's takin the bloody piss, they're bullshitting, as Sonic might say."

"Shitting?" Tails continued to ask.

"I've had enough of this!" Knuckles interjected.

"No you haven't," Sonic quipped.

"They don't ever say what The Project is?" Sally asked worriedly. Rotor put the headphones back on and replayed the message.

"No, just that it'll be ready by tomorrow," he answered.

"Well fuck me running," Sally whispered under her breath.

"Yeah we could try that, but I'm a pretty fast sprinter," Sonic replied grinning. Sally slapped the smile off his face, and gave him a cross look.

"Now isn't really the time for jokes, Sonic."

"Oh yeah, my mistake," Sonic responded, rubbing his freshly slapped face.

"Well, what are we going to do?" Sally asked.

"I thought you were the leader here," Sonic told Sally.

"No mate, I thought you were his nibs," Knuckles responded looking at Sonic.

"Huh huh, no. You would have ze better luck wis Tails in charge," Antoine added.

"Well he's got a point there," Sonic agreed. "Maybe Rotor instead of Tails, 'cause he's not retarded. Could I do what Sally does? Probably, yeah, but I don't want to _be_ her."

"We have to think of something. How are we going to stop Robotnik?" Sally inquired.

"I hate to put it so bluntly, mate, but you're not," Knuckles replied. "Whatever he's done, it's done, and all that's left is destroyin it. Since we don't know what _it_ is, we have to wait until tomorrow. Either way, we're up in a gum tree."

"Okay, well at least he doesn't know where Knothole is," Sally said, regaining her poise. "We need to try and stay indoors tomorrow. I don't know what he has planned, but I'm not going to be caught in the trap. Do we have any ideas on what it could be?"

"Hold on," Rotor began, "Yeah, I got something. In the background I can slightly hear Robotnik saying something. Sounds like planet's atmosphere, I think."

"Oh no…"Sally drifted to silence.

"Smells like someone shit in the cereal, BUNG!" Sonic said, trying for a cheap laugh. "Nothing? It can't be that bad, can it?"

"Well, if he has something that exists outside the planet's atmosphere, we're talking complete planetary annihilation. Probably can't destroy the entire planet, but he can take parts of it out," Rotor informed.

"I guess he doesn't have to know where Knothole is," Sonic put in.

"I think that's the whole point, Sonic," Sally told him. "Now he can just destroy everything, with no resistance."

"Oh, this is going to be easy."


	5. An Eclipse

The following morning Robotnik was in the giant hanger where the Death Egg was constructed. Behind him was Snively, carrying his baggage. Robotnik made his way over to the entrance of the Death Egg, preparing to board. The two of them got into the elevator and shot directly to the control center, where they could run the entire operation.

"Prepare for liftoff on my command, Snively," Robotnik directed, getting settled in his chair. "Be sure to open the retractable roof, putz."

"Why are we up so early, sir? Can't we do this in the afternoon?" Snively asked, yawning.

"I want the land to be covered in a second darkness…yeah. If we launch before the sun comes up, then position ourselves in front of it, there won't be a sun will there?"

"And what's the symbology there?"

"Do I have to fucking explain everything to you? Go over to the wall panel and get ready for launch," Robotnik commanded, positioning himself in front of the control panel. "FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE, ZERO!" The Death Egg started to hover, then began its slow ascent into space.

--

Sonic awoke suddenly, rubbing his eyes to get a better perspective of his room. As he scanned the room he noticed a figure sitting in his chair, looking in the opposite direction. Sonic slowly pulled out the crowbar he had under his bed, for safety you see, and lunged at the character.

"Eat this fucker!" He shouted, leaping over to the chair, only to realize it was Sally. "Oh shit, sorry Sal, you almost got your ass pummeled there. You really should be a bit more careful about whose room you sneak into. How'd you get in here anyway?"

"You gave me a key, remember? Probably just wishful thinking on your part," Sally answered.

"Well it worked, didn't it? Here you are in my room watching me sleep…kind of kinky now that I think about it."

"Sonic, did you ever stop to wonder why it's still dark outside?"

"No, probably because I just assumed it was overcast or something. Why is it you're in my room again?" Sonic questioned.

"Why don't you go take a look outside?" Sally suggested. Sonic took the advice and headed out the door. As he looked up into the sky, he saw the shape of the Death Egg eclipsing the sun.

"Aw, what the fuck is this?" Sonic asked himself aloud. "And now, we're fucked." Sonic walked back into his room. "I don't see the connection between that and you being in my room." Sally sat still, with her face looking distant. "And now I'm here by myself, talking to myself."

"I don't think we're going to be living for much longer," Sally stated.

"Yeah? Well aren't you just shooting sunshine out your ass this morning? This is that point in the story where I give you an inspirational speech about freedom and overcoming the odds. But it's too early for me to be thinking like that. Actually, I'm not really good at that shit anyway. You remember when you asked me if I was going to munch this or what?"

"Yes, but I don't see the relevance to our current situation."

"Well, what did I answer?"

"I can't remember, you thought it was a sexual invitation, when I was really just giving you a chili dog."

"Exactly," Sonic said, growing silent.

"And?"

"What?"

"What's the point you're making Sonic? Are you suggesting we fuck before the world ends?"

"No, but that is a good idea. What I'm saying is, shit is never really what it seems."

"That was actually quite a bit more philosophical than I expected. You're just full of surprises aren't you?" Sally asked, smiling again.

"Yeah, I guess so," Sonic replied, scratching his head. "I'm hungry, let's go get one of those grand fuck slams."

"That's Denny's Sonic."

"Shit, we don't have those?"

"C'mon, let's go see what we can find," Sally said, grabbing Sonic by the arm and taking him toward the kitchen. As they were walking to the kitchen, they noticed the rest of the Freedom Fighters taking their lead and making their way over to the kitchen as well. Sonic sat down at the table as soon as he reached the kitchen, and Sally began rifling through the fridge, humming to herself.

"Why the hell is she in such a bloody good mood?" Knuckles asked, joining Sonic at the table. Sonic responded with a shrug. "A lot of good you are, mate, might as well be talkin to the shit house." Sally started cooking breakfast, just when Antoine, Rotor, Bunnie, and Tails came in and sat down at the table.

"So how long, do you think?" Rotor asked.

"Before breakfast is ready?" Tails countered.

"No, before Robotnik unleashes some destruction."

"Oh fuck off, mate," Knuckles replied.

"Now Sugar, let's not get too upset," Bunnie said, patting Knuckles on the shoulder. Bunnie turned her attention to Sonic. "Why's she so happy, Hun? Did you guys…?" Bunnie made indecent hand gestures, too lewd to describe here.

"Ah c'mon, is that really fucking necessary?" Sonic asked. "First off, I wouldn't know how to do any of that, it looks disturbing. Second, she came into my room all downtrodden and gloomy. So I told her shit is never really what it seems, and that apparently flipped the switch."

"Is that what you believe?" Bunnie questioned.

"I believe that whatever doesn't kill you, simply makes you…stranger."

"No mate, that's what The Joker believes," Knuckles informed.

"Oh yeah, you're right. I believe we're fucked," Sonic corrected.

"So, you lied to her?" Bunnie asked, looking hurt.

"No, shit never is what it seems, it just doesn't really fit this situation." Bunnie just stared at him, awaiting a better response. "Look, I had to wake up and deal with a pouting adult, you have no idea how that can fuck up your day," Sonic explained. "So, I made her feel at ease, everyone's happy now. Plus, we're bound to figure something out, right?"

"Here you go," Sally said passing out plates with eggs to everyone. "Anyone need something else?"

"No, we're all fine here. Go ahead and sit down," Sonic invited, pulling up a chair. "Hey Tails, you do good in school?"

"Well we don't really have school, but I do good when Bunnie teaches me stuff."

"Me too, they call that a paradox."

"Pandora's Box?"

"No Tails, not Pandora's Box. Let's switch subjects. How was the guest room, Knuckles?" Sonic asked.

"Bloody marvelous," Knuckles responded, poking at his eggs.

"So Sonic, what's your plan for taking out the Death Egg?" Sally inquired, looking his way.

"What?!"

"Your plan, I know you have one," Sally said, smiling at Sonic.

"Oh yes, I would like to be hearing zis as well," Antoine chuckled. Bunnie began giggling uncontrollably at the remark.

"Thanks," Sonic mumbled.

"Who was that directed toward?" Sally asked.

"What?"

"That thanks, who was it direct toward?"

"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about."

"You just said thanks," Sally insisted.

"I'm telling you I didn't."

"Yes you did."

"I quite definitely did not."

"Suit yourself, but I would still like to hear the plan," Sally continued.

"The plan…oh yes of course, The Plan! We go…no…the power…that's not right," Sonic fumbled. "Uh, well we could…no that won't do…"

"You don't have a plan, do you?" Sally asked.

"Oh dear, I don't think I'm doing very well," Sonic responded.

"Why do you say that?"

"Well I don't know."

"Did you say it because you didn't know?" Sally questioned.

"I've got it," Sonic announced. "I've been contemplating this since I saw the Death Egg this morning."

"Sonic, that's been ten minutes, maybe."

"Well that's a long time for _me_ to be brewing things over," Sonic replied. "What if the control center in the Death Egg was synced up with the control center on Robotropolis?"

"Then they could run the city from the sky. What are you getting at, Sonic?" Sally asked. Rotor had a look as if he'd been just struck by brilliance.

"1.21 GIGAWATTS!" Rotor shouted. He then looked over to Sonic and nodded.

"Well most, if not all, of Robotropolis is going to be vacated, right?"

"I guess so, yes."

"That leaves the control center vulnerable. Without resistance we can enter the compound and upload Rotor's virus. That'll render the Death Egg completely useless," Sonic said looking smug. "Huh? Yeah that's right bitches, and you doubted my genius." Sally regained her smile, and looked over to Rotor.

"Will it work?"

"Yeah, it'll work. The only problem would be it won't destroy the Death Egg, just immobilize it. So unless we can send someone up before we disable it, Robotnik will still be hanging around. And even if we do send someone up, there is no guarantee they could escape."

"How would we get up there?"

"There is probably a teleporting device to route to it. That'll become disabled by the virus, so you'd have to hope for some sort of emergency escape vessel. Not only that, the Death Egg is in working order right now. Meaning, we could get cooked just going over to Robotropolis."

"Well, let's get a solid plan and get going. Robotnik isn't going to wait for us."


	6. Going Once, Going Twice, Fuck This

"What's the report, Snively?" Robotnik asked as he reclined in his swivel chair.

"Well, sir, we've cleared the atmosphere. I would say we're ready to start destroying things. Let me go check to see if the weapon systems are up." Snively walked over to a panel on the wall, and read a few readouts that it was transmitting. "The weapon systems are awaiting your command, sir."

"Finally, I want to start killing shit. This is like one of those…oh what do the call them?"

"Movie, sir?"

"No, not a movie you jackass…it's a…"

"Cartoon show, sir?"

"You'd never work as a cartoon character, Snively, you're much too creepy. No, not a fucking cartoon show…"

"A video game, sir?"

"That's it, a video game. You wouldn't make a good video game character either. In fact you really aren't a very good anything."

"Thank you, sir."

"Anytime Snively, anytime. Now, what to destroy first? We know they are based in the Great Forest, correct?"

"Well if you knew, sir…"

"Smart mouth, too bad. Anyway, I'll just pick a random area around the Great Forest and see how lucky I am." Robotnik began using the touch screen monitor to program his destruction. "What kind of damage are we looking at?"

"I'm not sure, sir, we didn't have a chance to test the system. But if it's up to specifications, we are looking at a fairly large blast radius. If you get within a mile of Knothole it will surely be destroyed. One thing to note, sir, you can only fire once every three hours. If you fire more than that, you run the risk of overheating."

"Then I'd best put it where it will do the most damage," Robotnik grinned.

--

The Freedom Fighters fine tuned their plan, leaving nothing out, except for the unknowns. It turns out they really had more unknowns than knowns, so they really didn't have much of a plan at all. Because of the pressing time limit they had, they made due and headed off anyway.

"I should be able to tell you more, once we're inside and I can look at the blueprints," Rotor explained as they were walking toward Robotropolis. Everyone was silent for a spell, then Sonic found it necessary to break the silence.

"You know, I've been doing some thinking…"

"That's unusual isn't it?" Sally smirked.

"If I think about that, it gets me thinkin maybe you're right. But now that I've been rudely interrupted I don't _think_ I'm going to finish."

"Oh shit, ya gotta finish," Knuckles replied.

"C'mon Sugar, I didn't interrupt you," Bunnie pleaded.

"Well, since you put it that way. So what exactly are we going to do when we kill Robotnik and retake the planet? You're part of the royal family, right Sal?" Sonic asked.

"Yeah, the only living heir, as far as I know," Sally answered. "So to answer your question, as soon as Robotnik is out we will revert back and have a king once again. Although, since I'm the only living heir, I suppose we'd have a queen."

"Oh, queen eh? Very nice. And how do you get that? By exploiting the workers. By hanging on to outdated imperialist dogma which perpetuates the economic and social differences in our society."

"No, I _get_ that because my father was part of the royal family and I'm next of kin. It just happens to be the way we ran our government," Sally said. "It certainly isn't something to get excited over."

"Well that's kind of fucked up. I don't know about you, but I'm not just about to throw out one tyrant to put another one in power," Sonic responded.

"You think I'd be a tyrant, Sonic?" Sally asked, giving him a disappointed look.

"No, but somewhere down the line you're going to get an asshole taking power. This fixation we have with royalty is astounding, it really isn't a very practical system of government."

"Same could be said for any system really," Rotor put in. "So we're fucked either way."

"Oh yeah," Tails agreed.

"You're so fuckin clueless Tails, I can't even begin to describe it," Sonic complained.

"Well if it makes you feel any better Sonic, I would consult _you_ and also a panel before making executive decisions. In fact it wouldn't be much different than it is now in Knothole."

"I wouldn't consult me, I don't know shit about making decisions," Sonic confessed.

"We've noticed," Sally replied with a grin.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I told you once."

"You know, if this whole 'princess' thing doesn't work out for you, you could always become a comedian. So I guess this means I'm going to be under your oppression until I'm dead, huh?"

"Well mate, you could marry Sally then become king," Knuckles suggested.

"King Sonic, has a nice ring to it. But I'd be an asshole king, probably get beheaded."

"Couldn't disagree with that, mate."

"Well it's either that or you would have children and those harlots and heretics would destroy the whole fabric of the space-time. Probably killing everything, covering the land in a second darkness," Rotor ruminated.

"There is something you guys keep failing to acknowledge," Sally brought up.

"Yeah, and that is?" Sonic questioned.

"Well to be honest, _me_."

"Sounds like someone has a narcissistic complex."

"That's not what I mean. You just automatically assume I'd marry you, but maybe I want to marry Knuckles."

"I could go for being king, mate. King Knuckles, who's his nibs now?"

"If you wanted to marry Knuckles you wouldn't flirt so much with Sonic," Rotor replied. "You also wouldn't, you know, dingle Sonic's berries so much." Sally shot a stare in Rotor's direction, he responded with a grin.

"She does bring up a valid point," Sonic admitted. "But I don't know of a monarchy that ever had two queens."

"Ooh, zat was ze sick burn, huh huh."

"Very amusing," Sally said, slapping Sonic. "Why do you keep implying that I'm a lesbian, Sonic?"

"Search your feelings, you know it to be true," Sonic responded. "Well, I mean if you're not at the very least bi, how am I ever supposed to get into a three-way?"

"You just keep dreaming Sonic, that'll be the only time you'll get me in a three-way with you and Bunnie."

"At least I have _something_ to look forward to."

"Well who says I'd want to be in a three-way, Sugar?" Bunnie inquired.

"You just seem the type that'd be up for it," Sonic grinned.

"What's bi?" Tails asked.

"I thought you learned some shit, just wishful thinking I guess."

"You mean, like, two chicks at the same time?" Tails continued.

"Uh, no!" Antoine answered.

"Look Tails, we're tired of answering your questions. If you don't know what it is, go look it up. We're trying to have an adult conversation, for us adults, and if you can't comprehend it that's too fuckin bad. Now could you to do something for me?" Sonic requested.

"What's that?"

"Could you shut the fuck up? Could you do that for me? Thanks."

Everyone continued walking along silently, that was until Tails tripped over his own feet. As he hit the ground there was a thunderous noise. It was about that time when they noticed that the ground was shaking.

"What are you supposed to do in the event of an earthquake?" Rotor asked, looking around.

"Uh, hide under your desk?" Tails responded. Sonic smacked him in the back of the head.

"Is zis really ze erzquake?" Antoine questioned.

"I don't think so, sir," Sonic replied pointing to the fire and debris that was erupting directly behind them. He spotted a cave to his immediate left, and motioned for everyone to take cover in it. Sally stood still, eyes transfixed on the coming destruction. "Hey Sal, we're in a bit of a rush here! We don't really have time for the scenic tour." Sally didn't respond, so Sonic raced out there and tackled her behind a large rock. After a few moments everything settled down, and the Freedom Fighters emerged from the cave. Sonic jumped up from behind the rock to look at the destruction.

"Thanks," Sally said, looking up at Sonic.

"Yeah, don't mention it. But if you ever do some shit like that again…" Sonic gave her a cross look. "Well, what are you waiting for?" Sally looked around blankly. "Start suckin, BUNG!"

"Very funny, are you going to help me up?" Sonic grabbed Sally's arm and pulled her up, just as the others came to join them.

"That was intense," Tails observed. "That was all because I fell down?" Knuckles broke out laughing at the remark.

"Yeah, lose some weight would ya?" Sonic mocked. "What was that anyway?"

"I think that was the tail end of the Death Egg's blast," Rotor surmised.

"Ze shit, zis is not good, huh huh," Antoine put in.

"If that was the tail end, what does the impact point look like?"

"Well, let's not wait around to find out, huh?" Sally suggested, moving forward once again. They were in Robotropolis before they knew it. The Freedom Fighters quickly made their way to the control center.

"Okay," Rotor began, pulling out the blueprints. "Looks like they have two 'life boats' onboard, in case of emergency. And right here is the core, it shouldn't be too much trouble to reach. There is a teleport point right around there, and it's distant from the control center. Well I've got the bomb, whose going?"

"I brought a power ring, so I could go," Sally offered.

"I'm going, the goddamn story has my name on it," Sonic remarked.

"No it doesn't, it's just called 'it's'," Sally responded.

"Both of you go, we're running out of time here," Rotor announced. "Now stand over there. Any last words?"

"Yeah, if I don't come back, Knuckles can have all my shit," Sonic replied.

"Ya better make it back, mate. The last thing I need is more of your shit."


	7. The 'Life Boats'

Rotor beamed Sonic and Sally up to the Death Egg. Then he waited a minute or so before he uploaded the virus.

"Hold onto your butts," he said right before he executed the command. Nothing appeared to happen. "Uhhh," Rotor mumbled. He looked to the right hand corner of the screen, where a time signature was flashing. "It worked, but it looks as if it's limited. They've only got about ten minutes."

"Are we gonna get any good news around here? We're in the shit now, mate," Knuckles said. Bunnie came over to Knuckles and put her arm around his shoulder.

"We're gonna be fine, Hun."

"Huh huh, NO!"

--

Sonic and Sally appeared right next to the room that housed the core. Sonic pulled out the bomb and set the timer on it.

"How's three minutes?" Sonic asked Sally.

"Well, we should be able to get to the 'life boat' by then. Go for it." Sonic ran into the core room and placed the bomb, then grabbed Sally's arm and ran in the direction of their escape. They quickly ended up where one of the 'life boats' was. Sally opened the hatch and looked inside. She turned around and gave Sonic a worried look.

"What now?" Sonic asked.

"We both won't fit in here," Sally fretted. "What are we going to do?"

"Give me the power ring, then get inside." Sally did as she was told.

"Trying to escape, are you? Shame you didn't want to say for the party," an all too familiar voice spoke from behind Sonic.

"Fuck," Sonic muttered. He quickly kicked the hatch shut, and then launched the 'life boat' with Sally onboard.

"She wasn't interested in a three-way, huh?" Robotnik asked, entering the room.

"Ménage a tois, I believe it's called," Sonic retorted. "What do you want?"

"A little song, a little dance, _your_ head on a lance. Actually, my controls stopped working, so I assumed it must have been because of a rodent problem. Wasn't expecting to see two rodents, are you multiplying now?"

"You'd be surprised," Sonic replied.

"Oh you are a barrel of laughs," Robotnik antagonized. "Too bad you couldn't warn your girlfriend about the impending doom."

"Doom? You're the one in check, asshole."

"Because one as super smart as me wouldn't have expected a little attack like this, right? I sent Snively back down to make sure your friends don't cause trouble. He's also going to have the controls back up for this beast. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I'm really fucked now…!" Robotnik paused for a second. "_You're_ really fucked now! And somehow I don't think Sally will be able to repopulate the world all by herself. Now, there is only one way out of here, and it involves you dying." Robotnik raised the roboticizing gun he held, and pointed it at Sonic.

"The controls are back online sir, and we've apprehended the terrorists," Snively's voice announced over the speakers. Sonic sped past Robotnik while he was distracted listening to the transmission, and headed straight for the control center. He put the Death Egg into a rapid decent.

"HAHAHAHAHA! Landing this vessel will not save you, Hedgehog," Robotnik's voice boomed over the speaker system. Sonic rushed back into the first 'life boat' room. "Ah, come back for more, eh?"

"Who ever said anything about landing it? You never did learn to mind your surroundings," Sonic said, making his way over to the empty shoot. "There is something you forgot to factor into your plan."

"And what might that be, Hedgehog?"

"The fact that you have about 30 seconds to live," Sonic replied, opening the hatch and jumping out.

"FUCK BEANS!"

--

Back on the ground, Snively was pulling Rotor, Tails, Antoine, and Bunnie out of Robotnik's headquarters.

"You thought you were being so cleaver," Snively gloated. "Never underestimate the incredible intelligence of Robotnik and Snively. I've never had any fox burgers, but I'm sure they taste excellent," he said, licking his lips. Tails whimpered at the remark. "I've had rabbit stew, and it's most succulent. Have you ever been to Bucket 'O Ducks?" The captives responded by shaking their heads. "It is a must, their Duck Bucket is quite exquisite. If it walks like a duck and sounds like a duck, eat it. That's the Colonel Duck Bucket way."

"You ever had a knuckle sandwich, mate?" Knuckles asked, walking up behind Snively.

"No, can't say I have…"Snively turned around just as Knuckles threw a punch at his head. He was knocked out upon impact.

"See? All that bitchin and you're all saved because I had to use the shit house," Knuckles said. "Looks like I can still pack a wallop."

"Uh, ze Deaz Egg is coming closer!" Antoine screamed.

"Bloody hell, could this get any worse?" Knuckles asked. As the Freedom Fighters were watching the Death Egg, Sally came running up to them.

"A little company?" Sally asked, looking at Snively's limp body. "Where's Sonic?"

"I hate to be the one to tell ya, mate, but you were the last one to see him," Knuckles responded. "I thought he was goin with you?"

"What like steady? You want to know if Sonic's my boyfriend? Well, we never really talk about it, I just assumed…"

"No, that isn't what I mean at all, mate."

"Oh…only one could fit per 'life boat', nothing much like a boat at all really," Sally said. Everyone turned their attention to the sky again. "That three minutes is going to end pretty soon here." As if Sonic heard, a ball of flame burst out of the Death Egg, heading for the ground fast.

"Take a squizz at that, he's always got to do everythin so dramatically," Knuckles observed. "Let's lock this peckerhead up, then go find Sonic." Just after he spoke the Death Egg exploded in glorious fashion, raining down all sorts of debris.

--

When they found Sonic, he was lying in a smoldering heap with the power ring firmly in his grasp. Sally ran over to him to assess the damage.

"Sonic!" She shouted as she made her way over to him.

"Huh?" Sonic muttered, looking around. "Oh hey, what's up guys?" He asked, puffing smoke between each word.

"You look like shit, Sonic," Sally observed.

"I feel like shit. How was the ride down?"

"I was about to ask you the same thing," Sally teased.

"Well, you're lookin at it. Fuckin cheap bastard only puts two 'life boats' in, and who the fuck does that shit? You okay?"

"Me? Look at you, I got off easy."

"I'd help ya up, mate, but I don't want to catch fire," Knuckles said, walking over to them. "Oh, and I found this, I thought ya might need it." He tossed Sally a leash.

"Yeah, thanks asshole, I'll remember that," Sonic replied, getting to his feet.

"A leash, I don't get it," Sally mused.

"You've got to keep your bitches in line, mate," Knuckles explained. Sally giggled, finally getting the joke.

"It won't be very useful without a collar," she put in.

"He told me he was getting one today. I can only do so much, mate."

"So are you ready to do my bidding, bitch?" Sally asked, smiling at Sonic.

"This is gonna be a fun trip home."


	8. The Final Cut

Once they arrived back in Knothole, Sonic refused to see the doctor. He was under the assumption that Dr. Quack would take a blood sample, then try and clone the perfect army. Everyone respected his wishes and called it a night early. The next morning they all gathered in the living room.

"Does it hurt?" Tails questioned.

"Does what hurt?" Sonic countered.

"Like…uh…anything."

"It feels like someone played a full season of hockey with my balls as the puck. Is that what you wanted to know?" Sonic asked.

"Huh huh, zees croissants are exquisite, no?"

"I'm not a big fan of your funny, Frenchy doughnuts, mate. At least Robotnik's bloody fortress is clapped out for now."

"One day, you're gonna have to teach me all your slang words, Sugar," Bunnie requested.

"And that day may never come," Sonic replied. "What's keeping you so quiet, Sally?"

"I'm just sitting here 'drinking it all in'," Sally said smiling.

"Damn it, I know you guys don't believe me, but that's a real phrase," Sonic insisted. "Do I look like a guy that would make shit up?"

"Huh huh, NO!" Antoine responded.

"Thanks Antoine, I knew you'd say something useful."

"You see that, I knew you guys could get along. It just takes a catastrophic near death experience," Sally observed. "And now everything is as it should be."

"No rules, just right," Knuckles put in.

"I love happy endings, Hun," Bunnie said with a smile.

"They kind of make me feel like vomiting," Sonic admitted.

"I know deep down inside you like this sort of thing," Sally said, pinching Sonic's cheek.

"Yeah, deeper and deeper, way, way, down," Sonic scoffed, slapping at Sally's hand. Suddenly, Antoine came over to the couch and stood directly in front of Sonic. "Is there something I can do for you?"

"We are being ze friends now, no? I will be giving you ze hug," Antoine said.

"Uh, no I think I'm good. Thanks for the thought though," Sonic replied. Sally elbowed him in the ribs. "Shit, okay, how about a handshake?" Antoine nodded in approval, and they shook hands. Antoine made his way back to his chair.

"What about you, Tails? Do you want to give Sonic a hug?" Sally asked grinning. Sonic rolled his eyes and sank into the couch.

"Yeah, Auntie Sally, I want Sonic to know we're friends now too." Tails flew over to the couch and hugged Sonic while he was sitting down.

"Okay, get off me," Sonic gasped.

"Not until you say we're friends," Tails responded.

"Yeah whatever, we're friends. Now get the fuck off me!" Sonic brushed himself off in a disgusted fashion. "I've told you once, there are only two of you that have the special permission to hug me, so the rest of you can fuck off."

"How shall we fuck off?" Knuckles asked.

"Oh, a smartass," Sonic responded. "Why don't you come over here and say that, I'll put my boot up your ass."

"Well, who has this _special_ permission?" Sally inquired.

"You and Bunnie are the only ones that have the permission to hug me. I established this rule long ago, just for times like these." Bunnie and Sally looked at each other, and nodded in approval. After their 'shared' moment, they both rushed over to Sonic and group hugged him.

"Wow, I never thought I'd see a three-way right here in the living room," Rotor said disbelievingly.

"Really, could you guys get a bloody room if that's what you want to do?" Knuckles asked looking away.

"Zis is better zen ze zings I download on ze internets," Antoine replied. "Wait, zat is my couch!"

"Hey Sally," Sonic said as soon as he could breathe. "I think that Bunnie is trying to get you and me together in a three-way. That would be pretty hot."

"I don't know," Knuckles interjected.

"Think about it," Sonic requested.

"Yeah, it is kinda hot."

"I don't think it's hot at all, just wishful thinking on your part, Sonic. Furthermore, Bunnie and I have no intention of ever doubling up on you, so just wash it from your mind. Plus, I just want to keep you all to myself."

"Bitch," Knuckles whispered in Sonic's direction. Sonic responded by flipping him off.

"But with that said, I don't see how we could have setup a more perfect ending," Sally concluded.

"Could be better," Sonic claimed.

"And how's that?" Sally asked.

"Well there is this one particular idiom that would end this proper."

"No, I'm never going to say that phrase again. You've destroyed any meaning it may have had at one time," Sally explained.

"You blokes speakin in code now?" Knuckles asked.

"What is zis you cannot say, no?"

"Well if I said it, it wouldn't be something I couldn't say, would it?"

"I got lost somewhere around the 'it'," Tails said.

"You didn't say you couldn't say it. You said you never wanted to say it again. Can't and won't are two different things," Rotor clarified.

"Alright, I'm not going to say it again. Does that meet with your approval?" Sally inquired.

"I really don't understand what's going on here," Tails pouted.

"Uh oh," Sonic responded.

"Well I'm not too sure myself, Sugar," Bunnie told Tails.

"I'm pretty sure the only blokes that know what's bloody goin on are Sonic and Sally. Must be an inside joke or somethin." Knuckles acknowledged. "Are ya gonna let us in on it, or just fuck off?"

"How shall we fuck off?" Sonic mocked. "C'mon Sal, just say it, I promise I won't laugh."

"No Sonic, I'm not going to ask if you're going to munch this or what. I won't do it."

"You just said it," Sonic pointed out.

"No I didn't," Sally insisted.

"Well, you do need to rephrase your answer in the form of a question."

"That was really anticlimactic, mate," Knuckles said. "I was waitin for somethin bonzer, and all I got was a bloody shit sandwich."

"I don't swim in your toilet, so don't piss in my pool," Sonic responded.

"I wasn't pissin in your pool, mate."

"It was a pun," Sonic explained.

"A pun?!" Knuckles questioned.

"No sorry, it was a symbolic metaphor. I'm saying you're shitting all over the parade."

"And you blokes try and tell me my slang is confusin. I don't know what the bloody hell you're ever talkin about."

"It's just Sonic, Sugar. Don't get too frustrated about it," Bunnie told Knuckles.

"I heard that," Sonic replied.

"Now that _that_ particular ordeal is over with we can move on," Sally said. "I guess now we have the perfect ending, unless someone objects." Sally looked around the room. "Good. We stopped Robotnik's evil plot and even become better friends because of it. "

"Yeah, but we never did find the 'can' thief," Sonic brought up.

"Well, we can't do everything can we? Past that everything worked out for the best and we're all alive and well," Sally stated. "You even saved my life a couple times, Sonic. I never said thank you."

"And you'll never have to."


End file.
